Finding Myself

I didn’t know I needed to slow down until I did. I didn’t realize how much of myself I was neglecting in order to meet deadlines at school and work until the world was halted by the power of a pandemic. At the skin of this pandemic, we see a slower and unrecognizably different world and society. But at the heart and drifting through the veins of our humanity, there is conflict. Some of us have struggled to let go of the world we once knew, others are looking to the future through a clouded lens made murky by confusion and uncertainty. Then there are those of us, like myself, who struggled to keep up in a society which moved at the speed of flight, who have been run over by insecurities, confusion, the by-products of mindless decision making and regret. 

I didn’t know I needed to slow down until I did. I realized, not too long ago, the dangers of moving too quickly through life. I lost myself in the drift of a world driven by instant gratification and deadlines. Without the hustle and bustle of modern living, the bouncing back and forth from appointments to meetings, classes to work, I had left myself somewhere forgotten and unrecognizable.

In the spring of 2018, I found out that for financial reasons, I was going to be unable to attend classes at Rutgers University in Newark for the Spring 2019 semester. This news was heart-wrenching for me. So much so, that I wouldn’t realize why it was so difficult for me until about a year later. So much of my identity was “student” that without school, I had no idea who I was. After six months of coasting through life, without direction or focus; losing myself further in the monotony of a work-home routine, I had a very blurred vision of who I was and where I was going. 

In losing touch with myself, I’d also forgotten the importance of connecting with family and the fullness which comes with it. 

Mom’s cozy home office where I now do my school work.

She’s an indoor cat and is in all the time.

I find myself looking out the window often. Lately, I’ve been in a black and white mood.

Quarantine, with all of its negative implications, has a silver lining. Being home, a phenomenon which was completely unfamiliar to me, has taught me who I am. I’ve had time to sit and dream up a future for myself. I’ve had time to really think about who I am within the context of my family, and within the context of me. Although at the skin of this pandemic we might not see a peaceful world, at the core of myself and seemingly many others, it seems we’ve rediscovered our humanity. 

I see people dancing in the streets (socially distanced of course) not looking for stimulation, but creating it. I see people connecting with themselves and with others in a way which was so unfamiliar to me. I think it’s the little things in life which truly make it worth living. Goals and deadlines are important, but we should never get lost in them. 

My sister is out roller skating, while I’m inside. 

Quarantine, in all of its sinister connotations, has found new meaning. It doesn’t just mean fear, anymore. It doesn’t just mean anxiety. Sometimes, it can mean family. Sometimes it can mean self-love, meditation. Although, within the context of this pandemic, we find our freedom has been lost, I think some of us should “quarantine” more often in order to rediscover ourselves after a long day, long week, or a long few weeks. 

But that’s just me.

The laundromat is completely empty on a Wednesday afternoon.

My mom is one of the only people at the laundromat.